Part 6: The Future, My Future.

I am aware of my destructive behaviour and emotions now. How manipulative, calculating, clingy and needy I’ve been in past relationship.  Why I would do the things I would do. Why I could never stick to one interest longer than a month before moving on to the next. Always bouncing around, changing my mannerism and character depending on who was in my life at that time.

A disorder that’s kept me in chains most of my life.
The research and facts of personality disorder are still in their infancy. Which makes it hard for the everyday person to even grasp. and getting a diagnosis is hard especially when now today I don’t fall into all the categories that I might have back when I was 18-19 years old.

I’ve learned:

I’m not perfect, but I am also not a broken human.
I’m mindful when I put unrealistic values on people, and I may be stubborn and irrational at times but I can regulate my emotions.
I can put a stop to my destructive behaviour before impulsively acting on them. I am aware that the abandonment and rejection I feel inside is not real and something I can come back from.  If someone leaves my world will not collapse.

I know I’m filled with love and strength.
if anything writing this blog has given me a small sense of self, even if it’s just a small amount, it’s a start.

My life today: I don’t know what’s to come, my future is an unwritten story and for the first time that doesn’t cripple me, I’ve had relapses in the past, and I may have them again. I walk a tightrope everyday of my life, if I make too sudden of a move, jerk my head, look down, become distracted I will fall into this pit of depression and anxiety below. Have to focus all my energy on putting one foot in front of the other. But worst than that, these intricate emotions; they will try anything to distract my attention from looking forward. I don’t know if I will fall again. I can’t see that but I do know this: I will fight everyday for my life, for freedom from my mind.

I’ve let my mental illness control me most of my life, thought this was just the way it’s always going to be. But I’m learning to not be ashamed of any of it, or wish my life be any other way. I’ve developed into a wise, acute, mindful person, my illness played a big part of that, and although I’ve lost a lot of time in my twenties to not living, just watching and hiding. Sitting here writing alone with myself for the first time gave me a new found love and respect, something 8 months ago I thought would be impossible. No one should ever feel ashamed of their mental health or let anyone else make you feel ashamed. Turn it into something positive, something to make you a better version of yourself.

Why has it taken me 30 years to come to a conclusion on my mental health? Because I allowed myself to slip through the cracks. I’ve worked so hard for so many years to hide this from everyone. Hiding and a lot of alcohol and anti-depressants. I was never educated on what mental health means. My biggest fear was I was going to be exposed before I was ready. Even when in therapy in my early twenties, I was never really honest with my therapist because that meant I had to be honest with myself something I wasn’t ready to face. Don’t deny yourself from living. Don’t hide or think yourself not worthy of getting better, it’s something that may take time to come to terms with. It’s hard when you can’t talk openly or freely about mental health because no one understands what that means. I hope my story help in the understanding of this issue.