Part 3: Turning Point

I went on anti-depressants for the first time when I was 22. They were amazing. After my unstable and uncontrollable years of high school and university, then failing at adulthood, I felt invincible and unstoppable. Those thoughts – gone, the depression evaporated and my anxiety was at a minimal. The up and down of emotions were in my control.

Finally found some peace within me.

Close to 8 years past and I believed all I needed were these pills and I could function in society. Yes, I could give off the illusion that I am normal.
BUT
I still couldn’t hold down a relationship, still jumped from one thing to the other, still had trouble making friends, and mapping out a life of my own. I was still living with one foot in and one foot out, just in case.

All those things: the thoughts, feelings, fears, they were never really gone. Nope, they were just suppressed under the surface of my consciousness, waiting. Should have know better cause nothing is ever that easy.

The pills had helped me cope, taken away my fear, anger, impulsivity and mood swings. But over time had robbed me of my happiness, joy, passion, empathy. I wasn’t better, I was numb. If something truly horrible happened would i feel it? I learned how to actively avoid my feelings? All these years the pills had just masked the real problems.

I became depressed with this new realization. I can’t be on these pills anymore because I can’t feel properly, but can’t be off them because I believed my anxiety and depression would consume me. I was stuck in this self-perpetuating loop. Didn’t see anyway out, not without therapy, BUT I can’t afford that, therapy is expensive, with the price of one therapy session and the amount my health care plan will actually cover still left me completely screwed. The spiralling continues. This is it, my only options? I felt trapped, confined, I couldn’t live within my mind anymore, but I couldn’t afford the help I desperately needed.
I wanted answer for why I am this way. A reason for all the emotional unsuitability inside of me.
The pills are making me miserable, but I can’t afford to get the help I need. I’m tied down to circumstances and feelings I don’t understand, all the while I can’t let my family or friends know how messed up i truly am, that will destroy me. If they don’t know, if I can hide it than it’s not real.

There was a Friday night, last July, when all this was going on. I was home alone, my parents had gone to the lake for the weekend, my sister was away for the weekend somewhere. I was completely alone. It was a normal friday night, nothing really significant had happened that week but I was feeling restless inside. On the passing by of my bathroom, I caught a glimpse of my bathtub, staring at it, a thought pushed it’s way in to my mind, if I swallow this whole bottle of anti-depressants, drink that whole bottle of wine and have a nice hot bath – no one will find me until Sunday night.
It would be real….it would be over….I am just so tired…. I want the feelings to be gone…
Was the first time the pull had been this dominate, luring me to that place. I felt it with everything. I wanted to die, but did I? Then A surge of guilt shot from my stomach into the back of my throat. What is wrong with me?
Lucky for me, there was still one last string inside that hadn’t broken, all the others may have let go, but this one final string was still in tack and it held on, that last string of hope. I don’t know why, but it’s the reason I’m still here.
A month later I made the decision to go off my pills. This one thing  was in MY control, MY choice and I had to try something, right? I believed I was a different person

So it began, my new future.

It is physically painful and difficult to rid your body of a drug it’s been so dependant on for years, a LEAGL drug at that. The withdrawals were unbearable. Took me the better part of 6 months to rid body of them. But I was so proud, filled with joy. I COULD FEEL AGAIN and it was amazing! I was so happy with myself. For the next little while things went smoothly. I was busy working on constructing an actual life for myself, going out more, socializing, dating. I could feel things I hadn’t felt in years, I believed things were going to be different this time. I had hope and determination.

One of the side effects I found of going off my pills was I tended to black out quite frequently when I drank, didn’t even matter if I only drank a little. So one drunken night in October, I met a guy at a bar, we exchanged numbers, but my friend and I were on our way to another bar and he was staying at this one with his friend. So we exchanged numbers. I blacked out when we got to the next bar, the next memory I have is being in some guys house making out with him, no idea who the hell he was. I panicked and tried to figure out how I was going to get home. I called a cab and got the hell out of there, I felt so fucking shitty the next day,  but then guy from earlier in the night texted me, saying I left my earring at his place. I honestly didn’t believe the guy from the bar and the guy who’s house I ended up at were the same person, looking back over it now, I see I really wasn’t as better as I actually thought.  Anyways we started texting and he turned out to be really funny and sweet, after a week of texting we decided to meet up for a date since neither of us remember that night.

The day of our would be date he sent me a text saying this:

“So the more I think about it the more I feel that if we were to like eachother I really don’t want anything serious anyway.
I know we don’t know eachother at all but I thought I would put this out there so we don’t waste eachothers time”

I felt a sigh of relief, I didn’t think I could emotionally handle anything right now, newly off my med’s and what not, so this was perfect. We went out that night and had awesome time, he was a such gentleman; sweet, caring, kind –  paid for the bill, drove me to my car. Nothing like the other guy’s I had been with in the previous few months. I liked him. it was causal, exactly what I was looking for. it was Perfect.
then…a week later..
the day after our second date, he texted me:
…”I dont want to sound like a dick and say I just want something physical right now, but that is just how I feel
Let me know if you aren’t okay with that.”
Why he texted me this I do not know, I already said i was cool with something low key
I didn’t want anything from him, I had no real intentions, it had been two dates, but this text, these words started to fill me with anxiety and uncomfortable feelings. Didn’t understand why – the next day at work I was consumed with this looming anxiety and tension inside. Something wasn’t right, I kept trying to talk myself down, but it was too powerful. Went home to an empty house and it didn’t help (I still didn’t fully trust myself alone.)  That night I became filled with feelings of inadequacy and rejection and I didn’t like it. Phoned up my friends to go out to the bar, I needed a drink, I needed to get out of this house. So we went out, had some drinks a few shots… I got extremely intoxicated and pushing all my discomfort aside.
I began texting this guy, embarrassing and humiliating things only drunk insecure girls would text. I needed to know that I wasn’t inadequate wasn’t unloveable. But then when he didn’t want to meet up I became defensive and irrational, angry so I lashed out.
But all I did was ruin that relationship before it could become anything.

The following day I still couldn’t function – the whole day I couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. I tried to lose myself in tv shows but it didn’t work like it usually does. I knew this wasn’t healthy so I decided to go out with my friend again to another bar. This time I couldn’t even drink – my anxiety was so bad, felt like i was going to explode, I had to get out of this place, too many people, dizzy, heart pounding, I tried to act normal, like nothing was happening. felt like I going to throw up, my knee were wobbly and about to give out. I needed to leave.

I thought I was losing my mind. I had no fucking clue what was going on inside of me. I haven’t felt things this intensely since I was at least 18. Emotions I experienced when I was young were coming back. It wouldn’t go away, nothing I did would stop the tension inside of me. I wanted to rip my brain from my head to make it stop. Stupid emotion, stupid feelings.
I didn’t understand what was happening – he was just a boy, a boy who I didn’t even really know, Why was I acting so crazy? so irrational?

I had to take a sedative to stop the emotional distress, it had been three days and it wasn’t going away and then… reluctantly I had to go back on my anti-depressants. I was devastated, all the work, months of agony to get off them gone. for what? And I was still at a complete loss as to WHAT HAD HAPPENED. But I didn’t tell anyone what was going on with me. Still hiding.

So I wasn’t better, I was exactly back where I was when I was that pathetic 18 year old girl. I haven’t grown or overcome shit.

racking my brain for weeks looking for answers, I was at a loss, I’d been reading a book which was also a work book for people with mixed depression and anxiety – I truly believe this is what I had, I had worked on all the skills and strategies it was telling me to work on but still this happened and I was more confused and lost as to what just happened.

I always thought I had mild anxiety and maybe a little bit of depression at time, I never had any idea that something much deeper was going on inside of me, something I’d been blind to for a good 15 years that  was defining who I was.

When I had met this new guy now and and without the help of my anti-depressants, him saying those words to me, it triggered something down inside, something that’s alway been there. even thought I didn’t know him well, It didn’t matter the fear of abandonment and rejection were, they’d always been there.

But again a month ago everything changed.

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